If I Was Any Better...

OK - Several years ago I knew this old fella' named Harmon Goodman in Canyon, Texas. He was probably 60 years my senior at the time, and he was always smiling and giving people a hard time. He always made people smile. I sure loved that old guy. When someone would ask him how he was, he would always say, "If I was any better, I'd be twins." That phrase has become my favorite response to the rhetorical question our culture seems to use as a greeting more than an actual question of how someone is doing. Well, being from Texas (recall the superbowl commercial - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igh6A0qFS14 - for beer where the dude from Austin is at a bar in New York, and the guy sitting next to him makes the mistake of saying, 'How You Doin?'... and the Austin dude starts to answer him and tell him that he just flew in to visit his brother, and on and on...) I like to tell people just how good I'm doing. So - I now answer with Harmon's phrase, but there are some people at my church that expect something fresh now and again, so I did some research in the internerdwebs and found the list of responses below. I now occasionally mix it up and reply with one of these, but my all-time favorite is still Harmon's, "If I was any better, I'd be twins..." because it makes me think of him.

If I was any better…
…vitamins would be taking ME
…it would be illegal
…it would be a crime
…I’d have to pay an amusement tax
…I’d be dangerous to be around
…I couldn’t stand it
…I couldn’t stand myself
…I’d be subject to arrest
…I’d be a parade
…I’d be famous
…I would be YOU
…I would be Chuck Norris
…I would explode
…I’d be in heaven
…It would be scary
…I’d have to take something for it
…I’d have to slap myself
…I’d have to charge admission
…I’d have my own page on Wikipedia
…I’d have my own flag
…you’d have to tie me down
…I would scream
…sparks would shoot out of my nipples

As a memorial to good 'ol Harmon, I found his obituary from Monday, May 7, 2012. He was 86...

Harmon was born Sept. 27, 1925, in Groesbeck to the Rev. W.T. and Nettie Goodman. Harmon was a store manager for Rexall drug stores for several years, before going to work for Kmart. After his retirement, he worked as the door greeter for Walmart in Canyon. He was a member of Hillcrest Baptist Church, Clarendon Masonic Lodge and the Bonita Chapter of Eastern Star. Harmon loved to go trout fishing every summer in Red River, N.M.

Survivors include two sons, David Goodman and wife Cindy of Canyon and William Harmon Goodman; a sister, Dorothy Smith of Phoenix; four grandchildren, Michael Goodman and wife Erica of Honolulu, Valorie Johnson and husband Andrew of Germany, Aimee Goodman of Amarillo and Brandon Goodman and wife Celina of Los Angeles; and 13 great-grandchildren.