How about a few dad jokes today? Okay!
Updated 4/14/2020 in honor of Kota, the 1-year-old Golden Retriever's birthday...
I considered being either an athlete or a criminal, so I made a list of pros and cons.
Today, my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Todd.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
3 unwritten rules of life...
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2.
3.
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3.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Todd.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer
GRANDPA: I have a 'dad bod', DAD: To me it's more like a father figure.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH
Converting the numbers 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals makes me LIVID.
Converting the numbers 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals makes me LIVID.
